My life began to change once I started asking the right questions. Even without answers they were powerful reminders and directions to follow. I still ask a lot of questions and try to wait with an open mind and heart. I could feel myself lifting up out of despair and purposelessness when I asked myself things like “What wants to happen in this moment?”. The simplicity of it was profound enough to pull me out of my own beliefs of what should be happening and it allowed me to start listening, watching. Other questions I’ve asked during complete uncontrollable chaos is “What is being expressed right now? What wants to be expressed?”. I have discovered that the point for me is to be of service; to see the need without my own ideas and beliefs. To be available to fill that need with glasses of water, a warm hug, a bowl of soup or an ear to listen. We are all needed, so much more than we know. And it’s not about being a slave but rather being so clear in our purpose that we can be an incredible support to others and ourselves. Maybe what this moment is needing is a warm bath or a good cry or a nourishing bulletproof coffee for yourself? It is about doing small things with great love and purpose. And I get that it’s not always way and that it’s constant work. I’ll never be done opening myself up to what wants to come through. I wake up every morning having to re-commit. What is it like for you?
Something new has occurred to me this fine, camping morning. I’m going to share it as a response to all the wonderful people who tell me they love my blog and that I haven’t been writing much lately. Like my mom and some stranger down the block.
I was trekking down the hill from our campsite to the washrooms. I was in a state of many thoughts. I realized that I’ve become so good at internalizing problems, judgments against others and negativity towards me. This means that I accept responsibility for my experience, I don’t blame. But sometimes this means accepting myself as the irrational one rather than blaming someone else. And I’m using the word irrational very lightly. Oh dear, I feel I’m going off into the world of never ending ramble and non-sensicalness. But you get me, right? I am talking about what all the spiritual gurus tell us to do… Go inside. Stop blaming and look at where you can make change. We judge in others what we fear most in ourselves. When I point fingers, there’s three pointing back at me. So, I’ve lived this for a while. The thought creeps in about someone, like “Look at those tacky pants” and immediately I convert it back to my own fear of my own tacky pants. Well, this morning I was contemplating on my own judgements of me and how I was walking myself through where I could be more accepting of people, less competitive, less condescending. And it hit me! I don’t need to do that to me either! I can accept me. I can look at my journey and say “ah. That’s where I’m at, cool.”. And I laughed and laughed because my own tacky pants are perfect too.
where do thoughts come from?
I know that there are some that fly in, seemingly out of nowhere while I have other thoughts that are very intentional and controlled. Levels upon levels of thoughts.
I am keeping careful track and I am seeing just how and which thoughts create certain emotions.
Do only our thoughts create our emotions?
It seems that in time of “crisis” the same thoughts swirl around and create the same emotions that I have already experienced a million times! This is maddening to me when trying to sleep. the thoughts go like this:
He shouldn’t be out so late. He should have called. He lied to me. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want to spend time with me. He is a self serving asshole. I can’t live like this. I am better than him. I don’t love him. I should just leave. I should cut him off from my affection. Make him suffer, like I do.
So, it seems that the real suffering that I face is coming from my thoughts. His time away out drinking really COULD be affecting me very little. I could be sleeping and not thinking about it.
Is this easy? I don’t know. There are times when it is and times when it isn’t.
When he breaks a promise to me it seems is when it is the hardest. Well, all I can do is tell him how I feel. But I still can not depend on him to change. I must find it within myself to be peaceful regardless of his actions. Especially since they are so tame. I do not have to be a part of it. I am free to live as I please, just as he is.
I understand all this, so why the sleepless night? I fall back into old patterns of being a victim. It gives me an identity:
Abandoned mother. Let down lover. Superior being, as I do not get so drunk. EGO. my ego feeds on his weaknesses. And are they even weaknesses? If he enjoys it, well..it is what it is. I can place whatever labels I want on it…I could call it social or happy rather than weak and stupid. So, I will look for the ways to let it go. And I mean really let it go…not just push it aside so it can fester and taint my heart.
Any suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.
I can see their pain. I can compare it to my own…I have been blinded by the wants and the things that I thought I needed. I said to the them "fill me up, make me whole." I looked for the perfect thing, the perfect relationship, the perfect home so that I could feel good. And so that I could be good. I searched for ways to make me something. It exhausted me and it still comes in its slow way, creeping in…telling me "you are not good enough". But I am thinking a new thought as well…" I am always enough. I am perfect, whole and complete.". My actions will stray and my negative thoughts will still come, and it is ok. It is what it means to be human. To suffer, to make mistakes and to hurt. Out of the darkness I see the light and I just want to smile and laugh and tell them that it is all ok. I am hysterical until I cry!
We can relax and we can let go.
I accept you with your flaws and your huge televisions and bad eating habits. And I also accept myself with my excessive driving and the heaps of garbage that I bury into the earth. I am doing my best and so are you. And so are they. I do my best and my best gets better and your best is right for you. Never will I see that perfection that I always held everything up to when I analyzed and said that it wasn't good enough. That perfection is here but it looks different to me now.
There is a wall of wounds which separates many of us. It is old and overgrown holding each painful Memory carefully in thorns. Yet we don’t realize how much we love our wall, and the lengths we go to protect it. I have used my wall to prevent me from having experiences and close relationships. I have clung to ideas and thoughts, but I am choosing a new belief now. One that recognizes that we all have healing to do. Beliefs that tell me I do not have to believe my thoughts. Instead I can laugh and know a better truth. One that says that we can take down our walls. I am building doors into mine, so please come inside
and have a look around. Sometimes the growth will be so slow and I may need reminding to keep going. And I will continue to witness people letting others in, more and more and always at our own pace and that is more beautiful than words can say.