I used to be struck by desperate and stuck unhappiness. I thought it was something that came in and I would always ask why and search for the answer. I considered nutrient deficiencies, genetic predisposition and my situation. I needed to set more boundaries with people and meet my own needs better, I thought. I searched endlessly outwards for things to save me from myself. But no person, food, drug situation or thing could relieve the underlying discontent with it all.
As time went on, I discovered that life was not just something that was happening to me…
It’s more about how I perceive life and how I react to it. I is about being open. For me, It’s like life is this abstract painting, waiting for me to critique it and experience it’s beauty and pain.
With this, I have also discovered that happiness can come with sadness and other seemingly negative emotions.
Have you ever sat in your sorrow without thoughts of wanting for it to go away?
Have you ever breathed in your anger and let yourself feel it pulse through your veins?
There is so much to participate in and explore but sometimes I forget or I get tired. I’m learning to closet eyes rather than focus outwardly on all the negativity within me.
I’m increasingly more and more awed and intrigued by the continual flow and ever changing scenery that is my life. Maybe it’s your too? When you find yourself down, I wonder if you can also embrace yourself as you watch out your window and allow the sad, heavy eyes in to be seen through.
What I’m not trying to tell you is that I’m not this perfectly enlightened being. Anyone can do this. Anyone can make this choice.
I have in appropriately tried explaining this before and it was perceived as invalidating to someone who is experiencing depression. But that’s the beautiful thing, I accept you in your depression. How can I know what is your path?
For my own depression this was liberating to know that I could make these choices. It also meant that I could embrace the housecoat, non-cooking and cleaning patheticness (haha) without guilt.
And so it went away.
These days, I wake up sore and tired sometimes. I stumble out of bed ready to be irritated by the first thing. I say to myself “I’m irritable.”
And then I remember my promise.
The promise to keep on choosing happiness and love.
I work at it all the time.
It’s the recommitment to this work and to staying inspired that has made all the difference.
In the simplest of things, like this, I find my happiness, which has really turned out to be acceptance of it all.
I don’t want to spend my life searching for the time when I was two, six, nine that has made me so psychopathic. I don’t want to use my one life being unhappy; that makes me unhappy. I want to really spend this life really enjoying. really, really.
why the hell not?