Telling our truths when we are down.

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Now has become the unexpected time to write. I don’t feel like it. I’m afraid of what may come out while I’m in my state of negativity. But I have to. I think it’s going to be important to write about it, so we all know that I’m human. I can not only write about my peace and freedom and joy… Sometimes I’m trapped, stunned and disabled. Sometimes the answers leave me and I am left in a state of not knowing anything at all. Maybe it is something that we can connect on. Do you know that feeling? It starts by being triggered by someone or something, usually someone or something they did or said. It is interesting that the trigger happens right after a long period of intense contentment, but it is as it should be. I still have much to learn and even more to tell you. I’ve been contemplating all the things I’ve not said yet. What can I tell you that is my unspoken truth? Can I tell you about all the times I’ve failed as a parent? Can I tell you about my complete unattached relationship with my first child? Would you be angry with me for the time-outs and spankings? Would I lose followers? Does it discredit me? It doesn’t matter. What we need now is truth and then healing. I don’t think I can be an advocate for gentle parenting without telling my own stories of NOT gently parenting. I want to tell others so they can feel my warm embrace and know that I get it. I’ve been there. I accept it. I feel deeply about inspiring others to find their own way; the way that feels amazing and true to you. And it doesn’t mean that you co-sleep or practice extended Breastfeeding. It means you listen to you, not me. I am so excited to see what wants to come through you as a parent and as a person. You inspire me. I’ve felt very touched by many parents ways who do not practice AP. I’ve also felt a fondness for the children too.
So, here I am broken open…
When I am triggered It’s easy to go off and blame that person, but I know that’s not real. I’ll sit with it and its sometimes scary. It is often scary. I receive strong urges to essential oil and cultured food it all away. Bring back the feelings that they often refer to as happy-hippy feelings. I ponder peace, love, free.. Does it exist? Wow. I’m so in awe of how the trees are still green and the flowers vibrant but there’s a heavy dominance of pain inside me that ignores it. Emotions are so powerful and strange as they become my entire world so suddenly. I think about my friends and the times of darkness that they’ve had. I smile, because I get it. I write and the sounds of the summer birds outside come back to me and I wonder if they were there all along.

4 responses »

  1. I get it, i feel you, and I love your spoken and unspoken truths, and mine….and ours. Down or Up. As a collective we are breaking open. Some of us are giving this a voice, and some are just giving in body, showing up each day, even on days we feel broken and like walking dead or wounded, changing our bandages, unwinding, and untangling our persistent knots, our ratty condition. Many of us show up in varying degrees of isolation and denial. Some of us are all day about 99% full of shit and that other 1% still counts and shines and moves mountains or sustains life and progress. Some are all day, more asleep than not, and that’s important too. It’s all good for somethin, even if just someone’s stark contrast. When we accept and hold our own truths, as we hold our own perfect imperfect children, that is when we uncover the love, and peace, and free, which are far from “all the time warm and fuzzy and happy” IMHO. The greatest peace I have felt so far this little life, has been noticed flowing deep underneath my greatest suffering.

    When we get together to see and hear and feel one another’s truths and fakes we decriminalize ourselves and our collective. We help one another along. We help one another home to self. I personally appreciate those who advocate whatever from a fakey place; bless them, good to check my self for integrity, test intuition, and to practice some extra compassion for, that’s a hard road to hoe, i should know :). I can find faker in me. In fact, faking “it” is all I have access to in some many moments. It all ways comes back to thine own self be true though. That is all that is real for me. I advocate for me fake or real, better aim straight if I’m gonna improve any other body’s experience. So blessed to have many ahead on the path to wave me forward and hold my hand on the steep parts.

    You are letting us off the hook in this! When I feel “bad” or apologize for sharing from a painful space I must remember I was enculturated with many broken and crazy making notions. Humans need be shown compassion to thrive and to find it for themselves. When I feel the ease with which I forgo judgement of my sweet peeps, it brings me that much closer to remembering that same loving extension for my sweet self. I have had some epic loser parenting moments and epic zero love available for self and others situations. I just did not have any better in those moments to give. I have borne the contrast and realization and pain and shame of all that, and I offer it up on my altar, burn it up daily, sometimes hourly, to fuel the new efforts. I came up in a tremendous storm, a confusing culture, a collective insanity and there is sadness, thunder. and lightening in me daily> I am prone to sudden showers, and failure, and revelation, rainbows, solar flares, and soft winds of change. I like sharing both umbrellas and beach towels, so thanks. Inner climate change happening NOW. Lovely Nadine, my favorite weather girl from the leading edge of inside job, 🙂 thank you!

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