How do we live by our real beliefs?

We read the parenting books, consult with friends and idolize parents who match our chosen philosophy. Well, that’s where I am at least. I’ve found that peaceful and gentle parenting are for me. I want to live them over punishments, rewards and separation from the children. I follow these philosophies on facebook, in books, with friends, on youtube and I advocate for them on a daily basis.
But how much am I able to actually live it?
I think it is important to know that just because it resonates with me and I talk about it so much, it does not mean that it is always my reality. I struggle. I become frustrated, confused, angry. The philosophy means a lot to me and it makes sense but it’s not always what wants to come through me. The negative beliefs feel so deeply seeded at times that I wonder if I will ever break free of the urges to silence and control. I let that belief go…
Tonight I just watched it. I observed the tightness all over my body, especially my chest. One of my children was in one of those states where they are exhausted and unreasonable and nothing would please them, they just needed to be unconscious. I monitored my intense desire to yell out as loud as I could. I watched my thoughts that swirled around demanding to silence, spank and restrain into sleep. I began to wonder what could have caused such violence in me and I noticed the sadness creep in. I forgave myself immediately for being impatient and unloving and I lay in the dark letting the sadness flood over me while I stroked her back. After she finally settled, I cried and cried without much thought. Only unidentified pain that had been suppressed for who knows how long. Who knows why these things happen? Why would it feel so good to act against all I have learned?
When will my real beliefs become real? Maybe my false beliefs are still favouring negativity towards children, towards people, but I’m becoming more aware. Surely awareness can take me back to that state of just being? The state where love and acceptance of all situations is my usual state.


3 responses »

  1. Regarding your oldest son, did he have a chance to see his father as you had hoped? Also, did he specifically express to you that he missed his father, and at what age?

    I am asking because my daughter’s father and I are still together, but we do not live together (never have), and I wonder whether when she is older my daughter might want to know her father better and perhaps identify with his heritage (he’s Nicaraguan).

    Just asking others about their experiences.

  2. totally here with you on this one. i found your blog by reading HEM. I read this other article in it called extreme parenting I think. They guy was talking about tv and radiation and GM food and vaccinations and it can all get overwhelming. lately, my 4 and 6 year old girls want to do nothing but listen to music on some old cell phones we have. they stick ear plugs in their ears and blast it. im just thinking oh geeze radiation and they are going deaf. then i give them not organic strawberries covered in pesticides because we cannot afford organic…

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