When you hate your child.

Has anyone else been there? Feeling intense anger towards your child? Rage? Hate?
It feels scary to write about this but freeing at the same time. I know truth heals and maybe my words will help
Someone else.
I hear so many parents say that they love their children equally and that they always love them. That has not been my experience at all. I start to feel that familiar rage and nowadays I can look down on myself observing. Ok, it’s happening that my blood is coursing and I want to break stuff or run away. I don’t know where it came from and maybe it doesn’t matter. maybe it is all just thoughts. Maybe my anger is a product of experience and chemicals in my brain and body and mayb there are alternatives. Phew, a bit of relief.
I need to take a moment out. My youngest has nursed off to sleep and I’m still feeling shaken by the events of todays childhood calamities. It has been chaotic here.
My oldest son is eleven and the most difficult, the most destructive and violent… and the most hurt. He’s getting to an age where he stands tall and strong, firmly in his actions and against me. I find it difficult to be accepting of him when he is aggressive and disruptive. As I am writing this he has opened the door to my room only to yell “lucky charms!” While I am
guiding a child into sleep. I feel sad ad angry. Getting past the anger is the damn hardest thing I have ever had to do. It would feel so good to scream and yell and stomp. But when it passes I see him. Vulnerable and longing for connection. It can be so ironic the way that people who need to be close to others are the ones that most push people away. I feel alone in my struggles with him a lot as there are not many people who care to bond with someone so loud, so offensive and oppositional.
It’s been particularly difficult with him lately. And I’ve been silent through much of it so I can hear him. He tells me I’m a liar. Well, surely that’s been true. Ok. He thinks things are unfair. He’s right. The compliant children are easy for anyone to love. Grandparents scoop them up while he screeches in the background. I know what he needs, the two things we always need: connection and healing(stress relief). Often I feel incapable of it. A lot of the times I just want him to go away, so it can be peaceful again. What a terrible burden for a child it is not to be wanted.
The first step for me to deal with this and return to peace is to put it out there. And not in the way that something is wrong with him, that is what people have always thought. We need help. I trust it will come.
Next I need to address my own fears and baggage. I know that all his hurt came from me. If I look close enough at him I’ll see myself. And it’s a hard thing to see, but valuable if I let it help me grow. I understand the parent who chooses drugs and public school to maintain peace. I’ve considered it myself. The pain of a childhood wasted on rivalry with the world is too much to take. I can see the other way though and I am grateful. Love, acceptance… I know they work, but anger can be clouding to ones consciousness.

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2 responses »

    • Sorry, if I was not clear. Thanks for pointing it out. I was mentioning ways in which I could easily pass my child onto someone or something else rather than deal with the issue and stick true to my philosophy of child-rearing. Either by sending him to school or putting him on drugs. Does that clarify?

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