Monthly Archives: October 2012

When you hate your child.

Has anyone else been there? Feeling intense anger towards your child? Rage? Hate?
It feels scary to write about this but freeing at the same time. I know truth heals and maybe my words will help
Someone else.
I hear so many parents say that they love their children equally and that they always love them. That has not been my experience at all. I start to feel that familiar rage and nowadays I can look down on myself observing. Ok, it’s happening that my blood is coursing and I want to break stuff or run away. I don’t know where it came from and maybe it doesn’t matter. maybe it is all just thoughts. Maybe my anger is a product of experience and chemicals in my brain and body and mayb there are alternatives. Phew, a bit of relief.
I need to take a moment out. My youngest has nursed off to sleep and I’m still feeling shaken by the events of todays childhood calamities. It has been chaotic here.
My oldest son is eleven and the most difficult, the most destructive and violent… and the most hurt. He’s getting to an age where he stands tall and strong, firmly in his actions and against me. I find it difficult to be accepting of him when he is aggressive and disruptive. As I am writing this he has opened the door to my room only to yell “lucky charms!” While I am
guiding a child into sleep. I feel sad ad angry. Getting past the anger is the damn hardest thing I have ever had to do. It would feel so good to scream and yell and stomp. But when it passes I see him. Vulnerable and longing for connection. It can be so ironic the way that people who need to be close to others are the ones that most push people away. I feel alone in my struggles with him a lot as there are not many people who care to bond with someone so loud, so offensive and oppositional.
It’s been particularly difficult with him lately. And I’ve been silent through much of it so I can hear him. He tells me I’m a liar. Well, surely that’s been true. Ok. He thinks things are unfair. He’s right. The compliant children are easy for anyone to love. Grandparents scoop them up while he screeches in the background. I know what he needs, the two things we always need: connection and healing(stress relief). Often I feel incapable of it. A lot of the times I just want him to go away, so it can be peaceful again. What a terrible burden for a child it is not to be wanted.
The first step for me to deal with this and return to peace is to put it out there. And not in the way that something is wrong with him, that is what people have always thought. We need help. I trust it will come.
Next I need to address my own fears and baggage. I know that all his hurt came from me. If I look close enough at him I’ll see myself. And it’s a hard thing to see, but valuable if I let it help me grow. I understand the parent who chooses drugs and public school to maintain peace. I’ve considered it myself. The pain of a childhood wasted on rivalry with the world is too much to take. I can see the other way though and I am grateful. Love, acceptance… I know they work, but anger can be clouding to ones consciousness.

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Getting to know my daughter, learning to love her.

I have a daughter born into a family of three sons. She is completely different than them and if I do not focus on my own mindfulness and personal growth than things between her and I are not good. A clashing of egos occurs with yelling, crying and many hurt feelings. But I’m starting to really understand her and how I need to treat her, and it’s simple.
She gets into these moods when nothing pleases her. She is loud and aggressive. I happens when she is tired or hungry. It’s very difficult to encourage her to eat or sleep. My pleas are fueled by my knowledge that if she just eats or sleeps than all will be well. She will return to the pleasant and happy girl once her needs are all met. It doesn’t work for Nova that I ask or offer food or sleep. She needs to come to it in her own way. And so when she is not well, I stay with her in my slow and silent way. I know that it is part of the coming together. I say as little as possible while knowing that she has all that she needs to work this out. And she always does.
I also consider prevention on a day to day, hour to hour basis as well. Like
Creating the environment that provides opportunities to sleep/rest and eat foods she likes. I wasn’t thinking this morning when I took her to the grocery store before breakfast. Being hungry in a store full of all the stuff that won’t nourish us but will satisfy temporarily, it drives me batty as well. I waited at the grocery store, silent among the indecisive screaming. She didn’t know what she wanted but we figured it out eventually.
They’re born to us and we love them instantly. Then they have personalities and desires that challenge our love. It’s easy to adore the compliant and easy going child. But there’s something magical about learning to love the defiance in your baby appreciating the opposition is life changing. She’s taught me more than anyone I’ve ever known, including Ghandi and Mother Theresa.

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Is parenting just conspiring against our children? What’s the solution?

So, I was making eggs for my children. We eat eggs a lot as a snack because I don’t like to buy processed foods, at all. I also don’t like to impose my beliefs or force on my children and so here is my dilemma: my children enjoy eating things that are not good for them and I only want to provide nourishing food. So I was making these eggs and thinking about how to further my quest to get them to eat healthy. And it hit me. Just tell them. Tell them my dilemma and see what they say.
Has parenting just been conspiring against? Am I just manipulating in the ways that I am adjusting my words and parenting methods to alter their behaviors?
So, I’ve left this post to discover more and I’ve returned with new information. I explained the situation to my children. I told them about my challenge and it turns out that they like the way things are. (I only fill the house with good food yet they get other stuff at parties and while out or visiting the city or with their own money).
So, what was I trying to manipulate anyways? My own guilt possibly.
I’m going to just keep putting it out there.
Explain the situation to the child.
It can go like this “You poop on floor. Mom steps in it. Mom yells and makes a face.” or “I spend a lot of time cleaning up toys. I would like to do other things sometimes.” and then pause and give them a chance to offer solutions.
no judgment, just information.
How easy I forget my first and most important belief: trust my children. Trust them to be thoughtful and considerate and capable of their own good. Their good is my good.

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