Observing my rage, watching my thoughts.

Do you ever remain still, listening and watching the whirlwind that is your emotions? Can you feel the ups and downs without moving a muscle?
I stop myself, like I did today. We were getting out of the family van. I noticed a sudden feeling, a sharp frustration. I heard the voices in my head “Why is he screaming like that?!? Fuck, that’s annoying.”. I took a breath and committed to being still. I knew my thoughts could be swayed. I thought about my thoughts, pondering if that was once said to me.
These feeling remained as I moved around to unload children from the vehicle. I looked at my daughter’s messy hair and noticed how I could easily be consumed with a brush in hand and force upon her head and she would be proper. She didn’t want her hair brushed and so I let it go. It took strength to ignore the thoughts “What will people think?” and “She looks like a dirty little girl.”. Instead I felt her love and mine for her and the thoughts didn’t matter almost like were not real. Are my thoughts real? I’ve discovered that they don’t have to matter. I can sit back and watch the ride. I can get very withdrawn and quiet when this happens and I wonder if my partner knows that is what I am doing. It wasn’t until now that I’ve been able to verbalize my behavior. I’d like to invite you to silence yourself and observe the next time you feel that bubbling up of anger, frustration and even happiness. Expand what is good and change what is not. What’s good?

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