Sex With My Kids, The Journey To Sexual Well-Being.

I tried to google information on children’s sexual development and health.
It was not easy to find any valuable or helpful information.
People Just do not talk about it, except for this wonderful blog.
Why is it that we don’t talk about it?

I have a few ideas why:

Embarrassment. Shame. Ignorance. We really aren’t educated in this area and don’t know what to say. Good information is not readily available. There is also a lot of misconception about children and sex. Lack of trust in people and our children.

You know what I think? I think that children’s sexual well-being is simpler than we think it is.
It doesn’t have to be the painful twice in their childhood, embarrassing sit down and talk.
It doesn’t have to be a fumbling over anatomically correct words.
Sex doesn’t have to be dumbed down or made into metaphors.
Sex is intermingled with the flow of life.
It is an ongoing exploration and dialogue between parent and child.
Children are curious by nature.
When we are open and bonded to them, they will ask what they need to know.
If they feel free, they will ask about their bodies and yours and more!
I don’t have any exact science or education on children and sex, but I can share my experience.
Most of our discussions start in the bathroom.
We follow their lead.
I really feel like I know very little on this. And what I have learned through school and society, it feels tainted and not true to who we are.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that my children are welcome in the bathroom with me (at their own risk).
They see me changing pads, and they share the shower/bath with us.
This has sparked many fascinating conversations, as well as deep intimacy.
Also, it has helped us, help them with their hygiene. It makes washing hair an cutting nails a pleasure when mom is in there with them.
I nurse the youngest (two years) while leaning him over my leg to wash the butter out of his hair.
I love that my children ask questions about vaginas and where babies come
From. Sometimes I even thank them!
Being open with my children about sex stuff has meant addressing my own beliefs and ideas about sex and my body.
I’ve had distorted thoughts to let go of or replace.
I’ve had to rediscover really how beautiful the human body is.
I find myself often in awe of my children’s curves and colours and lines.
I feel an intense intimacy when I change their diapers regardless of smell. I become more mindful to treat them with extra care while I do it. It’s never done out of habit.
Concerning children and sex, the most important thing could be self-image and boundaries.
We allow our children to discover themselves and be free.
Having a positive self-image will eliminate the risk of abuse in many instances.
Always respecting their words and boundaries will give them a strong sense of what is right for them.
Children who are continually forced to do things against their will, will most likely come to accept this as being life. To us this can mean talking to a toddler instead of forcing them into a carseat.
The relationship comes first.
I think that positive touch is also another important factor. We have become a society afraid of touch.
In our pursuit to protect children we have become paranoid and disconnected.
I have heard of fathers afraid to touch their daughters for fear of someone thinking something strange.
People can not live without touch. It feels so good.
My children love to rub my stomach. You can tell that it gives them intense pleasure.
Are you uncomfortable reading this? I bet many people are.
Well, it getter better
Many young children like to touch themselves. They are almost always told to stop. This is shaming and damaging. I can see how it could make someone uncomfortable, i have had to deal with my own insecurities with this, but I assure you that it is innocent and natural.
So, what’s the moral of the blog? Respect your children. Listen carefully and follow their lead. Their instincts are perfect and yours are too.

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5 responses »

  1. Phew! I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all reading this. I feel like I passed the test ;)!! Totally agree on all fronts. Feel we’re doing a similar thing with our kids and it feels totally right and I think they have great self-image so far and hopefully always will :))

  2. This is my favourite part: Having a positive self-image will eliminate the risk of abuse in many instances. Always respecting their words and boundaries will give them a strong sense of what is right for them. Children who are continually forced to do things against their will, will most likely come to accept this as being life. To us this can mean talking to a toddler instead of forcing them into a carseat. The relationship comes first.

    I have never asked my children to hug or kiss me or to hug or kiss someone else. If someone tries to pick one of them up and it is clear to me that the child does not want that kind of touch, I tell the person to respect my child. When we are somewhere and one of my children feels uncomfortable or threatened, she tells me and we leave. I don’t force them into carseats, baths, winter boots or clean underwear, either.

    If you want your children to have bodily integrity, respect their integrity. Don’t TELL them not to let someone touch them–SHOW them that no one has the right to violate their physical integrity ever, not even their parents.

    And talking about sex and modesty and body parts is just normal stuff for kids who have a healthy and strong attachment with their own parents. My children see, for example, that in the house I will BF the baby with my shirt off but when one of my Partner-Guy’s gawking friends are around I will go into another room. I don’t have to have a conversation about my own personal level of modesty (or what I think their level of modesty ‘should’ be) for them to see and learn from my example.

    This is a great topic, Nadine. Thank you for addressing it. I look forward to more of your ‘vague’ posts and topics. 🙂

    • Thanks, Patti. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time. I always find it inspiring and it’s helped me to cleanse my consciousness, often. Lol. Your word mean a lot to me.

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