Sleepless nights once upon a time…

where do thoughts come from?

I know that there are some that fly in, seemingly out of nowhere while I have other thoughts that are very intentional and controlled. Levels upon levels of thoughts.

I am keeping careful track and I am seeing just how and which thoughts create certain emotions.

Do only our thoughts create our emotions?

It seems that in time of “crisis” the same thoughts swirl around and create the same emotions that I have already experienced a million times! This is maddening to me when trying to sleep. the thoughts go like this:

He shouldn’t be out so late. He should have called. He lied to me. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want to spend time with me. He is a self serving asshole. I can’t live like this. I am better than him. I don’t love him. I should just leave. I should cut him off from my affection. Make him suffer, like I do.

So, it seems that the real suffering that I face is coming from my thoughts. His time away out drinking really COULD be affecting me very little. I could be sleeping and not thinking about it.

Is this easy? I don’t know. There are times when it is and times when it isn’t.

When he breaks a promise to me it seems is when it is the hardest. Well, all I can do is tell him how I feel. But I still can not depend on him to change. I must find it within myself to be peaceful regardless of his actions. Especially since they are so tame. I do not have to be a part of it. I am free to live as I please, just as he is.

I understand all this, so why the sleepless night? I fall back into old patterns of being a victim. It gives me an identity:

Abandoned mother. Let down lover. Superior being, as I do not get so drunk. EGO. my ego feeds on his weaknesses. And are they even weaknesses? If he enjoys it, well..it is what it is. I can place whatever labels I want on it…I could call it social or happy rather than weak and stupid. So, I will look for the ways to let it go. And I mean really let it go…not just push it aside so it can fester and taint my heart.

Any suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.

2 responses »

  1. If *you* ever need a night out, you can call me. We can go for a drink, or walk around the town, or take a drive to, um, Mankota?

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