It is amazing how many thoughts i can have. What's really crazy is how different my life would be if I believed them. They seem to sneak up on me…BAM…out of nowhere i hear "nobody likes me. You'll never be good enough"….and so i laugh. Oh, do I laugh at the absurdity of my thoughts. I ponder where they came from and it sends me even further into fits of giggles.
I imagine giants standing above me with their fingers pointed as I look up wide eyed and confused. They yell at me for something that I have already forgotten. Their voices are big and frightening. I just want to explore things and love you, big giant!I don't understand! I take everything personally at this time in my life. I think everything is my fault and so starts my self image of worthlessness and destruction…
Now I am older and I have been sitting and watching lately as the events of life roll in.
I have come to think that the biggest challenge of life is sorting out all of this emotional stuff. I aim to remove myself (from myself,I think ) and look down at me so I can prevent myself from acting on these emotions. This is also highly entertaining. I have noticed that certain words make my face itchy. I have noticed how my temperature goes up and my body tenses when the children scream. I have realized that I clench my jaw while playing monopoly on my phone. What does that look like? I think I'll go experiment with this one in the mirror.
I notice how I often let my thoughts wander to my self when someone else is speaking, how rude. I also have found myself guilty of simply looking for reasons, excuses to be angry and sad. And I always find it. Now I am on the hunt for joy, and it is everywhere.
I would like to hear about other peoples experiences in observing themselves and what you've discovered.